So it’s 7:30am and you’re pottering around your bedroom trying to find things to fix, things to make better, things to make good, things to make beautiful. You haven’t slept yet because nothing is ever good enough. Your space was almost immaculate earlier today and then you let people in who soiled and spoiled it. Then you spent every slow minute of the night fixing the mess, only to do it all over again tomorrow. My messy, crazy mind. Or, my halls room…
Being at London College of Fashion for all of a term and a half taught me so much about myself, about people and about the potential for human relationships.
When your mind is like mine, you always feel like something is missing. You try to fill a void with a number of strange things which ‘dumb’ you and numb you to the facts, to the world around you, to your past. You feel and appear to be coping when you are indeed doing the opposite of coping. You are actually spiralling; you are in control of nothing apart from your physical space, when you are alone.
When there are people around, you take yourself out of the situation by doing everything in your power to fix your surroundings, to make things better, make things more beautiful, be in control of something because you are not in control of your thoughts. You cannot control your insecurities and peoples’ perceptions of you. You cannot change the fact that you are ’boring’ and have nothing important to say.
How do you deal with that? You live an outrageous and adventurous like and you are open about it, with everyone. Nothing is sacred; you are vulnerable; the people who enjoy you know your deepest darkest secrets and your insecurities and it is inevitable that one by one, they will fall away, throwing your secrets out into the universe to later slap you in your face. You soon learn that you have to make changes, big changes. You realise that the relationships you saw most potential in were based on weakness. That is why those relationships would never be glue enough to hold you close.